A few months ago, I, as well as about 200 other college women, attended a womanhood seminar discussing self image, self esteem, and true beauty. Many talks were given, but one talk really got me thinking. It was given by a fellow student who talked for a few minutes about true beauty and modesty. She brought to light a point that I had never thought about before now; that is, the cycle and correlation between pornography/masturbation and self-image.
As humans, we want to be able to feel, express and be loved. Its a natural feeling. But for women, sometimes we aren't as sure how to receive that love, especially when we have been hurt in the past by someone who said they "loved" us. Sometimes these people were fathers, brothers, boyfriends or a husband. Women who have been hurt in this way need love and attention they desire. A lot of times, women won't know where to look to find this true love and will turn to the wrong sources to find it, not knowing that it will not bring them the feeling of feeling beautiful and loved, but will leave them hurting even more inside. Like I said, they aren't feeling loved or beautiful so they look at what society says is beautiful and true love and happiness. Victoria's Secret models or women on the covers of Glamour, Cosmo, or Seventeen are seen everywhere. These ways of learning how to love and be beautiful by "50 ways to fall in love" or "Dressing to Impress during Winter of 2008" are so easily and readily accessible. Anyone could pick up those magazines at the local grocery store or gas station. Women are portrayed so terribly in these magazines, yet they are smiling, beautiful and seem to be happy. I, myself, at one time would purchase the latest copy of Glamour as soon as it was put on the shelves. It's so easy for women to be sucked into thinking that this is true beauty and men will love them if they look, dress and act like the women on the covers of these magazines.
The truth is, if women around America have low self-esteem and try to boost it by wearing tight revealing clothes and trying to act 'sexy' as the media defines it, all they end up doing is lowering standards for men, in which men will begin to lust over women. It turns into women being hurt, abused, and broken. Men will look at a woman dressed super slutty, and begin to lust and turn to pornography. Its a vicious cycle. Men turn to pornography and lose respect for women, they treat women without respect and women lose self-worth. A woman then turns to the false sense of love by which she ends up lowering or even giving up on standards only to get hurt even more. Women need to step up and demand more respect from our men. If we demand more respect then we will truly be able to see which men will be the ones that are worth it. By raising our standards, we can show men all around us what true beauty and womanhood is and through that be able to receive the respect we deserve and one day make a difference in the lives of many.
Lauren
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
A Dialogue on Chastity (by Peter)
(Charlie and Sam went hiking one day, and the conversation turned to sex. Sam, 23, believes that adult human beings should be allowed to have sex whenever, wherever, and with whomever they please. Charlie, on the other hand, is 21, and a huge advocate of chastity.)
Sam: I just don't think it's natural for humans to not have sex. It's against our natural impulses to hold back.
Charlie: And you respect nature, then?
Sam: Oh very much, yes. Nature should be respected; especially human nature.
Charlie: Don't you contradict yourself, then, when you use contraception? Isn't offspring the natural outcome of sexual intercourse?
Sam: Well no, see, having a baby is fine when you're ready to have a baby.
Charlie: Before that, nature doesn't matter too much?
Sam: I didn't say that!
Charlie: Wouldn't it be more natural to not have sex until you're naturally ready for the natural outcome? Wouldn't it be more natural to not do it until then?
Sam: You're ridiculous, you know that? You don't want to have sex; that doesn't make sense for a guy your age.
Charlie: Sure I want to have sex. What makes you think I don't?
Sam: You're always talking about "chastity" and "abstaining" and bull like that. If you want to do something, just do it.
Charlie: That doesn't make much sense; what if I had driven before getting my permit; or what if I were to take prescription medicine without it being presribed?
Sam: What does that have to do with it?
Charlie: I'm saying sure I could just have sex. It's a good thing and I'm sure it's tons of fun. Driving is fun, and taking medicine is good for you--but all three of those things have to be under the right circumstances.
Sam: What 'circumstances' should sex be under?
Charlie: A committed, lifelong, monogamous relationship.
Sam: Those don't really last...unless you get married.
Charlie: Exactly. Just like the proper context for driving is as a licensed driver, and the proper context for taking prescription drugs is with a good, legitimate prescription, the proper context for sexual intercourse is the bond of marriage.
Sam: What makes marriage the right 'prescription?'
Charlie: Well I'm Catholic, so first of all I know it to be God's Command. Beyond that, though--
Sam: Let me stop you right there, Charlie. I know you Catholics just plain don't want people to have sex. I was raised Catholic and all I heard was "no sex," "no sex," and "no sex."
Charlie: That's actually a common misconception, and an unfortunate false teaching among many lay--and even religious--teachers within the Church. The Church Herself actually promotes, protects, and proclaims the awesome dignity and power behind the wealth of total love that sexual intercourse entails. Catholics love sex. In fact, they love it too much to just sit back and allow people to abuse it!
Sam: I don't know about that. How is having sex outside of marriage really 'doing it wrong?' Can't two people just do it? It feels good, so what's the big deal?
Charlie: Sam, I think you know better than that. You can't judge the 'goodness' or 'badness' of a situation based on how good it feels. For example, putting a big sharp knife through someone's flesh can feel great to a murderer who has been wanting to kill their victim for months; but nobody's going to say it's okay just because it felt good.
Sam: Well no one gets hurt when you have sex...that's completely different.
Charlie: You're right in that I used an extreme example, but you're wrong to say that nobody gets hurt. When you were dating Lisa, you told me that the two of you had sex. You had only been dating two months when you did it, and you broke up just three months later. That's only five months, yet you told me it was the hardest breakup of your life.
Sam: Well yeah, but Lisa and I were really close. We really bonded over those five months.
Charlie: Doing what?
Sam: Well...all the stuff my other girlfriends and I did.
Charlie: Plus sex?
Sam: Plus sex.
Charlie: See, sexual intercourse isn't just a physical thing. It's not merely biological. Rather, it involves your whole self--your mind, heart, emotions--and when you have sex with another person, your minds, hearts, and emotions meld and you become so close that when you break up, it's harder because of all that spiritual bonding.
Sam: So sex is, like, a spiritual experience to you. That's fine. What if it's not to me? What if from now on I just do it physically without really caring if the girl and I break up? What if we were just sex buddies?
Charlie: What happens when your sex buddy gets tired of only having sex, and wants to hang out with you afterwards; wants to cuddle, wants to grow close? See, there is a bonding process in intercourse no matter how you try to keep it purely physical.
Sam: I'm still not really buying it. But whatever. What can you do when you're trying to be chaste?
Charlie: You can do whatever you want!
Sam: What if I want to have premarital sex?
Charlie: Then you're not being chaste anymore.
Sam: So I can do whatever I want as long as I follow the 'rules?' How is that doing what I want?
Charlie: You sure seem concerned with what you want. Chastity isn't like that. Chastity doesn't take. Chaste love gives the other person love, rather than takes all the pleasure it can out of the sexual partner.
Sam: Don't accuse me of being selfish! You're the one pushing your views on me!
Charlie: I thought we were having a discussion. If you don't want to talk about it, I won't.
(After a pause)
Sam: Okay, expert, so chaste love gives. What if a woman wants to give me her love? Should I deny her the opportunity to be chaste?
Charlie: If it isn't a mutual desire to give, then you're still taking. You know how on Christmas, everyone gives presents? Remember when we were kids, there was always that message of "'tis better to give than receive?" Well, that applies to sex too. It is always a better feeling of 'warm fuzzies' when you give a gift to another person--and what greater gift is there than your whole being? Love is really a self-sacrifice, given out of love for another person.
Sam: Why would I want to give myself up for some girl?
Charlie: You wouldn't! Not just for 'some girl,' anyway. It should seem natural, though, to give yourself up for the love of your life, your one true love, your bride.
Sam: And how do you know when you've found "the one?" When are you sure it's love, and not just infatuation?
Charlie: When you see a ring on your finger, and the person you love standing with you at your wedding, then you know it is love. Marriage guarantees love. At least, a good marriage. Divorce, obviously, destroys that. But that is for a different conversation.
Sam: How do I know the girl I love is my one true love? How will I know when I want to marry someone?
Charlie: That, Sam, is something I can't tell you. I'm not married, so I don't know.
Sam: Okay, well...I'm still not sure if I agree with everything you're saying, but you have made some good points. I'll have to seriously think about it.
Charlie: Cool.
Sam: I guess it is.
Sam: I just don't think it's natural for humans to not have sex. It's against our natural impulses to hold back.
Charlie: And you respect nature, then?
Sam: Oh very much, yes. Nature should be respected; especially human nature.
Charlie: Don't you contradict yourself, then, when you use contraception? Isn't offspring the natural outcome of sexual intercourse?
Sam: Well no, see, having a baby is fine when you're ready to have a baby.
Charlie: Before that, nature doesn't matter too much?
Sam: I didn't say that!
Charlie: Wouldn't it be more natural to not have sex until you're naturally ready for the natural outcome? Wouldn't it be more natural to not do it until then?
Sam: You're ridiculous, you know that? You don't want to have sex; that doesn't make sense for a guy your age.
Charlie: Sure I want to have sex. What makes you think I don't?
Sam: You're always talking about "chastity" and "abstaining" and bull like that. If you want to do something, just do it.
Charlie: That doesn't make much sense; what if I had driven before getting my permit; or what if I were to take prescription medicine without it being presribed?
Sam: What does that have to do with it?
Charlie: I'm saying sure I could just have sex. It's a good thing and I'm sure it's tons of fun. Driving is fun, and taking medicine is good for you--but all three of those things have to be under the right circumstances.
Sam: What 'circumstances' should sex be under?
Charlie: A committed, lifelong, monogamous relationship.
Sam: Those don't really last...unless you get married.
Charlie: Exactly. Just like the proper context for driving is as a licensed driver, and the proper context for taking prescription drugs is with a good, legitimate prescription, the proper context for sexual intercourse is the bond of marriage.
Sam: What makes marriage the right 'prescription?'
Charlie: Well I'm Catholic, so first of all I know it to be God's Command. Beyond that, though--
Sam: Let me stop you right there, Charlie. I know you Catholics just plain don't want people to have sex. I was raised Catholic and all I heard was "no sex," "no sex," and "no sex."
Charlie: That's actually a common misconception, and an unfortunate false teaching among many lay--and even religious--teachers within the Church. The Church Herself actually promotes, protects, and proclaims the awesome dignity and power behind the wealth of total love that sexual intercourse entails. Catholics love sex. In fact, they love it too much to just sit back and allow people to abuse it!
Sam: I don't know about that. How is having sex outside of marriage really 'doing it wrong?' Can't two people just do it? It feels good, so what's the big deal?
Charlie: Sam, I think you know better than that. You can't judge the 'goodness' or 'badness' of a situation based on how good it feels. For example, putting a big sharp knife through someone's flesh can feel great to a murderer who has been wanting to kill their victim for months; but nobody's going to say it's okay just because it felt good.
Sam: Well no one gets hurt when you have sex...that's completely different.
Charlie: You're right in that I used an extreme example, but you're wrong to say that nobody gets hurt. When you were dating Lisa, you told me that the two of you had sex. You had only been dating two months when you did it, and you broke up just three months later. That's only five months, yet you told me it was the hardest breakup of your life.
Sam: Well yeah, but Lisa and I were really close. We really bonded over those five months.
Charlie: Doing what?
Sam: Well...all the stuff my other girlfriends and I did.
Charlie: Plus sex?
Sam: Plus sex.
Charlie: See, sexual intercourse isn't just a physical thing. It's not merely biological. Rather, it involves your whole self--your mind, heart, emotions--and when you have sex with another person, your minds, hearts, and emotions meld and you become so close that when you break up, it's harder because of all that spiritual bonding.
Sam: So sex is, like, a spiritual experience to you. That's fine. What if it's not to me? What if from now on I just do it physically without really caring if the girl and I break up? What if we were just sex buddies?
Charlie: What happens when your sex buddy gets tired of only having sex, and wants to hang out with you afterwards; wants to cuddle, wants to grow close? See, there is a bonding process in intercourse no matter how you try to keep it purely physical.
Sam: I'm still not really buying it. But whatever. What can you do when you're trying to be chaste?
Charlie: You can do whatever you want!
Sam: What if I want to have premarital sex?
Charlie: Then you're not being chaste anymore.
Sam: So I can do whatever I want as long as I follow the 'rules?' How is that doing what I want?
Charlie: You sure seem concerned with what you want. Chastity isn't like that. Chastity doesn't take. Chaste love gives the other person love, rather than takes all the pleasure it can out of the sexual partner.
Sam: Don't accuse me of being selfish! You're the one pushing your views on me!
Charlie: I thought we were having a discussion. If you don't want to talk about it, I won't.
(After a pause)
Sam: Okay, expert, so chaste love gives. What if a woman wants to give me her love? Should I deny her the opportunity to be chaste?
Charlie: If it isn't a mutual desire to give, then you're still taking. You know how on Christmas, everyone gives presents? Remember when we were kids, there was always that message of "'tis better to give than receive?" Well, that applies to sex too. It is always a better feeling of 'warm fuzzies' when you give a gift to another person--and what greater gift is there than your whole being? Love is really a self-sacrifice, given out of love for another person.
Sam: Why would I want to give myself up for some girl?
Charlie: You wouldn't! Not just for 'some girl,' anyway. It should seem natural, though, to give yourself up for the love of your life, your one true love, your bride.
Sam: And how do you know when you've found "the one?" When are you sure it's love, and not just infatuation?
Charlie: When you see a ring on your finger, and the person you love standing with you at your wedding, then you know it is love. Marriage guarantees love. At least, a good marriage. Divorce, obviously, destroys that. But that is for a different conversation.
Sam: How do I know the girl I love is my one true love? How will I know when I want to marry someone?
Charlie: That, Sam, is something I can't tell you. I'm not married, so I don't know.
Sam: Okay, well...I'm still not sure if I agree with everything you're saying, but you have made some good points. I'll have to seriously think about it.
Charlie: Cool.
Sam: I guess it is.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Take Guard Against Gardasil
Last month I went to my doctor for a check-up before the summer is over and I leave for school again. After making sure everything was normal, my doctor sat me down and asked me if I would be interested in getting the Gardasil vaccine. Posters were all over the walls of this office proclaiming that mothers and daughters should receive this vaccine due to its immunization against the Human Papilloma Virus also known as HPV. So I had her brief me on this new vaccine. It protects against 4 of the 100 areas of HPV. Yes, only 4. Apparently "women" ages 9-26 are recommended to receive this vaccine. Also, some states are attempting to make it mandatory for all "women" to receive this vaccination and are making sure it is covered by medical insurance companies. After hearing this, I was shocked. 9 year olds getting vaccines protecting them from HPV? My doctor told me to look at it as a tetanus or MMR shot; as more of a protection in case something happens in the future even if I wasn't planning on it happening. As though HPV was something from which no woman could protect herself. She asked if I would be interested in receiving the shot that day and I refused politely. She questioned me asking why I wasn't interested and I told her straight out that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. Her reply shocked me because instead of respecting my choice of not having sex unless it was in marriage, she said, "Well, you might plan for that to happen, but you never know when that one man will come along and you will fall in love, and plans of abstinence will change." What she didn't realize is that when love occurs, plans of abstinence will NOT change and if they do, well it's not falling in love, but falling in lust. She spoke to me as though she did not have the faith in me to stay strong in my beliefs and remain chaste for life.
But back to the idea of giving this vaccine to 9 year olds. How is a parent supposed to explain that type of shot to a 9 year old girl? The other vaccines are easy to explain, but to tell your daughter that she's going to the doctor to receive a shot that will make her "immune" to a sexually transmitted disease is absurd. Also, its quite apparent that by making a vaccine that supposedly protects a woman from getting a STD encourages her to have sex more often and with multiple partners. This idea that she is protected from HPV will make her believe she is invincible. Instead of trying to protect individuals completely from getting STDs by promoting waiting to have sex until one is married, the drug companies are using this to their advantage and trying to make money. This society believes that teens can't resist having sex, so they make it possible for teens to have "safe sex" when really the only "safe sex" one can have is in a monogamous committed relationship aka marriage. This is like a parent who thinks they're protecting their child by buying alcohol for him because he would be drinking anyway and they might as well make sure he doesn't get caught. America should be encouraging the values of strength and self control in teens, especially when dealing with premarital sex. Instead, we encourage teens to do what they want and make it easier by taking away consequences of their actions.
Lauren
But back to the idea of giving this vaccine to 9 year olds. How is a parent supposed to explain that type of shot to a 9 year old girl? The other vaccines are easy to explain, but to tell your daughter that she's going to the doctor to receive a shot that will make her "immune" to a sexually transmitted disease is absurd. Also, its quite apparent that by making a vaccine that supposedly protects a woman from getting a STD encourages her to have sex more often and with multiple partners. This idea that she is protected from HPV will make her believe she is invincible. Instead of trying to protect individuals completely from getting STDs by promoting waiting to have sex until one is married, the drug companies are using this to their advantage and trying to make money. This society believes that teens can't resist having sex, so they make it possible for teens to have "safe sex" when really the only "safe sex" one can have is in a monogamous committed relationship aka marriage. This is like a parent who thinks they're protecting their child by buying alcohol for him because he would be drinking anyway and they might as well make sure he doesn't get caught. America should be encouraging the values of strength and self control in teens, especially when dealing with premarital sex. Instead, we encourage teens to do what they want and make it easier by taking away consequences of their actions.
Lauren
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Modesty Part 2--Male Perspective
Cleavage turns guys on. It's not our fault; that's just how it is. Pretty much any amount of cleavage, and pretty much in any place. It's not a conscious decision, it's the biological function called "arousal." In a discussion on chastity, a close friend and chastity advocate mentioned that when a man sees cleavage, without even thinking, a certain amount of blood rushes to the penis to fill it for an erection. That's insane. It's true though, and there's really nothing we men can do about it. Sure, there's the "neck up" exercise, where we make it a point to only look at a girl from the neck up, but there are a few defects to that practice: first, some of us (myself included), are only 5'2", forcing us to strain and stretch in order to meet that requirement. Secondly, girls wear colors that catch the eye; jewelry that glistens and demands attention. Of course, then, there are the shirts with clever, catchy phrases across the breasts. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't wear clever shirts, or jewelry, or attractive colors. However, when those good things are combined with an indecent amount of cleavage, that's when you can turn a 'good thing' into negative attention.
Now, I'm a guy. I've heard the infamous "locker room talk" that I'm sure some of you have heard about; a guy goes out with a girl, then brags about what they did to all the guys the next day. Call it a rite of passage, call it what you will--it happens. It begins with "man I took this one girl out last night..." and ends with the rest of the guys saying "what a slut!" Personally, I don't know why any girl would want that. When that happens, though, it can be a reaction to one of two things: either "she dressed like a slut" or "did [insert 'slutty' action here]." Okay, now the cat is out of the bag and you women know how much power you have over us men. I want to pause here to tell you that not all men are like that--I, for instance (and I'm not trying to brag about what a great guy I am; I'm just being honest), have never done that to any girl I've been out with. I have, however, reacted to other peoples' stories with "what a slut," and for that I apologize to every woman who reads this. The point is, a lot of guys aren't that bad and not all of us participate in it. OKAY, so as I was saying, now you know how much power is in your hands on every date. Guys don't call you sluts for no reason--it's usually because of something you did or something you wore.
I won't talk about the "did" right now, because this is an entry on modesty, not abstinence, but rather I'd like to focus on the 'something you wore.' What men think about you--how much they respect you, how much they want to listen to you and get to know you--a good part of that hinges on how you dress. I know a girl who wears skimpy outfits--tight shirts showing a good three inches of cleavage, shorts or skirts that end just below her butt--and then complains about how guys objectify her at every turn!! It seems to me that it would be a no brainer: in this sex-crazed culture in which we live, if you dress like all the girls who "want some," you're going to be treated like another girl who "wants some." If you want, rather, to be respected as an individual; to be thought of as important and classy, then you're going to have to dress differently from every girl who wants to hook up with the cutest guy who buys her a drink!
Honestly, you don't have to "bare all," or even "most," to get a guy's attention. I love my girlfriend very much, and I respect her an equal amount, and a lot of that respect and love was the result of her decision to go 'against the flow,' so to speak, and dress more modestly. Is she attractive? Oh yeah. And you'd better believe that if she wore scandalous clothes and showed a lot more of her body, she would have my undivided attention all of the time. You can also be completely sure that I wouldn't respect her as much. I would desire her body, and I'm sure I'd still like her personality, but I can guarantee that if she dressed like she wanted to have sex all the time, I'd be too distracted by that to ever pay enough attention to let a real love grow between us. Since she dresses modestly, and covers her private parts (breasts, butt, etc..), there are no distractions from her personality, nothing pulling me mentally away from conversation, and not as much temptation to "cross the line," so to speak. We have a very strong relationship, built on not only physical attraction, but emotional, ideological, spiritual, and pretty much every level. Because of this, it has not only seen us through months of separation (we live in different states), but our relationship has, in fact, grown closer, stronger, and more intimate than I ever thought possible from a long distance relationship.
The power was all in Lauren's hands--she could have worn skimpy clothes, she could have gone to clubs and acted the way "slutty" girls do (to use locker room language), but then she wouldn't have known the joy of a chaste relationship...and neither would I.
Ladies, it is in your control. I'm not going to tell you what to wear, and I'm not going to act like I know you or your story. What I'm saying is this: if you dress like all the other girls, how can guys know they're to treat you differently? If you don't dress like you want respect, why should you expect them to know you want it? If you want to be caught in a cycle of one-night stands, inappropriate advances, and an unsatisfactory love life, that's your life and your decision. All I'm asking you is to consider your options: dress like a "slut" and be treated like one, or dress to demand respect and better treatment, and get that. You might have to wait a little longer for a respectful, genuinely nice guy; but I'm pretty sure it would be worth it. Do what's best for you.
~Peter
Now, I'm a guy. I've heard the infamous "locker room talk" that I'm sure some of you have heard about; a guy goes out with a girl, then brags about what they did to all the guys the next day. Call it a rite of passage, call it what you will--it happens. It begins with "man I took this one girl out last night..." and ends with the rest of the guys saying "what a slut!" Personally, I don't know why any girl would want that. When that happens, though, it can be a reaction to one of two things: either "she dressed like a slut" or "did [insert 'slutty' action here]." Okay, now the cat is out of the bag and you women know how much power you have over us men. I want to pause here to tell you that not all men are like that--I, for instance (and I'm not trying to brag about what a great guy I am; I'm just being honest), have never done that to any girl I've been out with. I have, however, reacted to other peoples' stories with "what a slut," and for that I apologize to every woman who reads this. The point is, a lot of guys aren't that bad and not all of us participate in it. OKAY, so as I was saying, now you know how much power is in your hands on every date. Guys don't call you sluts for no reason--it's usually because of something you did or something you wore.
I won't talk about the "did" right now, because this is an entry on modesty, not abstinence, but rather I'd like to focus on the 'something you wore.' What men think about you--how much they respect you, how much they want to listen to you and get to know you--a good part of that hinges on how you dress. I know a girl who wears skimpy outfits--tight shirts showing a good three inches of cleavage, shorts or skirts that end just below her butt--and then complains about how guys objectify her at every turn!! It seems to me that it would be a no brainer: in this sex-crazed culture in which we live, if you dress like all the girls who "want some," you're going to be treated like another girl who "wants some." If you want, rather, to be respected as an individual; to be thought of as important and classy, then you're going to have to dress differently from every girl who wants to hook up with the cutest guy who buys her a drink!
Honestly, you don't have to "bare all," or even "most," to get a guy's attention. I love my girlfriend very much, and I respect her an equal amount, and a lot of that respect and love was the result of her decision to go 'against the flow,' so to speak, and dress more modestly. Is she attractive? Oh yeah. And you'd better believe that if she wore scandalous clothes and showed a lot more of her body, she would have my undivided attention all of the time. You can also be completely sure that I wouldn't respect her as much. I would desire her body, and I'm sure I'd still like her personality, but I can guarantee that if she dressed like she wanted to have sex all the time, I'd be too distracted by that to ever pay enough attention to let a real love grow between us. Since she dresses modestly, and covers her private parts (breasts, butt, etc..), there are no distractions from her personality, nothing pulling me mentally away from conversation, and not as much temptation to "cross the line," so to speak. We have a very strong relationship, built on not only physical attraction, but emotional, ideological, spiritual, and pretty much every level. Because of this, it has not only seen us through months of separation (we live in different states), but our relationship has, in fact, grown closer, stronger, and more intimate than I ever thought possible from a long distance relationship.
The power was all in Lauren's hands--she could have worn skimpy clothes, she could have gone to clubs and acted the way "slutty" girls do (to use locker room language), but then she wouldn't have known the joy of a chaste relationship...and neither would I.
Ladies, it is in your control. I'm not going to tell you what to wear, and I'm not going to act like I know you or your story. What I'm saying is this: if you dress like all the other girls, how can guys know they're to treat you differently? If you don't dress like you want respect, why should you expect them to know you want it? If you want to be caught in a cycle of one-night stands, inappropriate advances, and an unsatisfactory love life, that's your life and your decision. All I'm asking you is to consider your options: dress like a "slut" and be treated like one, or dress to demand respect and better treatment, and get that. You might have to wait a little longer for a respectful, genuinely nice guy; but I'm pretty sure it would be worth it. Do what's best for you.
~Peter
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Modesty
I remember hearing this term used for the first time and thinking "Oh no. Now i have to dress like an Amish farm girl with a skirt down to my ankles and long sleeves." Luckily, I was mistaken and am currently not dressing like an Amish person. Modesty, as Webster defines it, is the "regard for decency in behavior and dress." Many people, like myself, when they first hear about modesty feel like it is unimportant. "Why should i dress any differently than my friends and every other girl out there? Guys are just going to see it anyways. And if they have a problem with the way I dress, that's their issue to deal with." That whole mindset is completely absurd and selfish. Personally, I used to dress immodestly. I would go out looking for the tightest and most low-cut shirt. Why? Because i LOVED getting the attention. People left and right would tell me I looked skinny and cute. I had boyfriends that would tell me I looked hot, and my self-esteem would just shoot out the roof. Every girl wants to look cute and attractive, but what today's society is telling us, is that to look cute and get guys, we have to put on a mini-skirt, buy name-brand clothes, and show off what we have. But seriously think about it. Those guys that we will get the attention of, are they they guys who will respect us and treat us like the princesses we are? Or are they going to see how we dress, take it as an invitation to use us, and then move on to the next chick in a skimpy outfit? If you don't know the answer, its the latter. I'm not saying that we should completely hide our bodies by wearing tons of layers of clothes, but that we can put on clothes that are in style, and they don't have to be showing inches of cleavage and our butt cracks. Do you want a guy who is going to take one look at you and want to get to know who you really are? Or just want to get in your pants? With dressing modestly, we enable guys to look at us and see that we respect our bodies, which in turn will make them want to respect us as well. After dressing immodestly for a while and hearing of this, I thought it was bogus. Who would ever NOT want attention and praise for looking good? Then I examined myself. I started realizing that the attention I was getting was from guys I knew were only after one thing. I recall a time when I caught one of those guys staring at my chest and walked away not filled with happiness because I caught someones attention, but sadness and a sense of feeling used. I spoke with a guy friend about the situation and he even said "Oh but you know you like the attention."
After that, I noticed that not only that type of guy, but also my close guy friends would not always be looking at my eyes, but would glance downwards. It started to really bug me. For the first time, I felt like an object. I took a step back and thought, "Is wearing tight, skimpy clothes worth the inner pain and sadness each time a guy says I'm hot or checks me out?" I decided not, and started dressing more modestly. At that time I had met an amazing guy, who is now my amazing boyfriend, and asked his opinion on the clothes I wore. I asked him to go through my entire wardrobe and pick out the items of clothing that were immodest. He made a large pile and I promptly threw the stack of clothes away. I wanted the assurance that I could go into my closet and pick out anything and not have to worry about feeling used. I realized that I could still get attention, but in a positive way. After asking my future boyfriend, Peter, to help me out, I saw how he respected me and how glad he was to help me become more modest in dress. It shocked me at first, never having experienced a reaction quite like that from a guy, but it also amazed me. I had always heard stories of women who had found men that respected them and treated them like princesses, but I had never experienced that for myself. Being treated with such dignity floored me. I knew that I was on the right path to becoming more modest and showing that I respected myself and demanded that same respect from everyone around me.
Some of you have probably heard modesty in relation to "leading men into sin". This is where I previously believed that if a guy fell into sin by looking at me, that was his own problem. But think about it. Say you lived in a house and always left the door and windows open. It is basically an invitation to enter and steal whatever is inside. When a guy checks you out, he is taking a piece of your dignity with him. A piece that was basically offered to him based on what you were wearing.
Modesty regarding dress is a huge deal, but also the way you act can be defined as modest or immodest. I was in the club scene for a summer. I never knew how much of an effect my actions made on guys i with whom i would dance. But with modest dress, comes the responsibility to act modest as well. If your actions are saying "I wanna turn you on" then that's exactly what a guy will assume you want to do to him.
Although summer is an amazing season due to the beautiful weather and break from school, it is also a time where modesty is critical and must be taken into consideration. When going shopping for summer clothes really ask yourself if the item of clothing you want to purchase is modest. A little bit of extra fabric to cover your chest or belly won't make you die of heat stroke. Personally, I don't wear short shorts. I've always felt very uncomfortable wearing them, and am soo glad that Bermuda shorts and capris are in. This way, I'm not overdressed for summer weather, but not showing off all of my legs.
In a culture that promotes immodesty and promiscuity, it is our obligation to be counterculture and show the world how to be truly respected and that comes by us respecting ourselves by the way we dress and act. Thank you for your time and keep checking back for more updates!
~Lauren
After that, I noticed that not only that type of guy, but also my close guy friends would not always be looking at my eyes, but would glance downwards. It started to really bug me. For the first time, I felt like an object. I took a step back and thought, "Is wearing tight, skimpy clothes worth the inner pain and sadness each time a guy says I'm hot or checks me out?" I decided not, and started dressing more modestly. At that time I had met an amazing guy, who is now my amazing boyfriend, and asked his opinion on the clothes I wore. I asked him to go through my entire wardrobe and pick out the items of clothing that were immodest. He made a large pile and I promptly threw the stack of clothes away. I wanted the assurance that I could go into my closet and pick out anything and not have to worry about feeling used. I realized that I could still get attention, but in a positive way. After asking my future boyfriend, Peter, to help me out, I saw how he respected me and how glad he was to help me become more modest in dress. It shocked me at first, never having experienced a reaction quite like that from a guy, but it also amazed me. I had always heard stories of women who had found men that respected them and treated them like princesses, but I had never experienced that for myself. Being treated with such dignity floored me. I knew that I was on the right path to becoming more modest and showing that I respected myself and demanded that same respect from everyone around me.
Some of you have probably heard modesty in relation to "leading men into sin". This is where I previously believed that if a guy fell into sin by looking at me, that was his own problem. But think about it. Say you lived in a house and always left the door and windows open. It is basically an invitation to enter and steal whatever is inside. When a guy checks you out, he is taking a piece of your dignity with him. A piece that was basically offered to him based on what you were wearing.
Modesty regarding dress is a huge deal, but also the way you act can be defined as modest or immodest. I was in the club scene for a summer. I never knew how much of an effect my actions made on guys i with whom i would dance. But with modest dress, comes the responsibility to act modest as well. If your actions are saying "I wanna turn you on" then that's exactly what a guy will assume you want to do to him.
Although summer is an amazing season due to the beautiful weather and break from school, it is also a time where modesty is critical and must be taken into consideration. When going shopping for summer clothes really ask yourself if the item of clothing you want to purchase is modest. A little bit of extra fabric to cover your chest or belly won't make you die of heat stroke. Personally, I don't wear short shorts. I've always felt very uncomfortable wearing them, and am soo glad that Bermuda shorts and capris are in. This way, I'm not overdressed for summer weather, but not showing off all of my legs.
In a culture that promotes immodesty and promiscuity, it is our obligation to be counterculture and show the world how to be truly respected and that comes by us respecting ourselves by the way we dress and act. Thank you for your time and keep checking back for more updates!
~Lauren
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I Love Sex.
Seriously. It's one of my favorite things to read about, talk about, learn more about...unfortunately, it seems that chastity is a very misunderstood concept. Most people write it off as another word for "abstinence." Honestly, however, they aren't the same thing--though they are related. "Abstinence," when used in relation to intercourse, means to restrain yourself from having sex; to never have sex or do anything sexual--to constantly "hit the brakes," so to speak, when one is with their prospective partner, just before having intercourse (or even engaging in what is known as "outercourse," or anything remotely sexual). "Chastity," on the other hand, does not rule out sex; in fact, it promotes human sexuality to its fullest. It does involve refraining from explicitly sexual activity, but if the people involved are truly chaste, there is no "hitting the brakes" involved, because they would never put themselves in any position to have to hit them. Think of it like this: while speeding in a car, you would have to "hit the brakes" if you saw something in front of you. It would wear down your tires and breaks, as well as upset the balance in the car, thrusting everybody forward to avoid hitting whatever was before the car. That would be comparable to abstinence. However, if you weren't speeding at all, you could ride comfortably along and reach your destination without choking passengers with their seatbelts or causing unnecessary wear and tear to your vehicle. That's chastity. When you're truly chaste, you're never in danger of "crashing" into sex before you are truly ready, so "hitting the brakes" isn't necessary. Then how do you be chaste and still have sex? Quite simply: when it is in a permanent monogamous relationship between a man and a woman who give themselves completely to the other out of pure love for one another, that is chaste sex, chaste intercourse, chaste sexual activity. Anything outside of that is unchaste, and the people involved run a serious risk of heartache, pain, STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and a plethora of other worries, regrets, and problems. I won't get into all of these now, but will save them for another post later on.
Is it easy to be chaste? Not all the time, no. For example, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty healthy sex drive. There will clearly be temptations, time after time. So what we have decided to do is to limit physical affection to holding hands, hugging, and quick little kisses so that we don't go "too far" and have to "hit the brakes" time after time after time. When I first heard that "the more chaste you are, the easier it is to be chaste," I thought "Jason Evert is off his rocker." How can it be easier to stop doing more than before? How can it be easier to refrain from doing more of the things I want to do?! That didn't make much sense to me. However, I found out the truth behind the wise words from the guru of purity: if you don't do more, you won't do more. Let me explain: when a man deeply kisses a woman, I mean really kisses her with a passion for a long time, there is arousal in both parties, and the chemicals released in the brain cause a strong sexual desire for the other, so that both people want to have sex. Now, if the man and woman hadn't been kissing like that in the first place, the chemicals wouldn't have been released and they wouldn't be faced with as much temptation.
Now, I'm not starting this blog to tell you to "just say no," or not have sex "because I said so." This blog is being started to help you learn, understand, and hold fast to clear-cut, easy-to-understand methods to find a life long, completely satisfying sexual relationship. Because both secular and religious experts agree: the best, most fulfilling sex is the sex that's in a fully committed, completely loving, selfless, long-term monogamous relationship. Take out one of these ingredients and you run the risks of heartache, STDs, breast cancer, unplanned pregnancies, abortion and the psychological trauma that follows, and broken hearts time after time after time. I'm starting this blog not to control anybody, but to help. Because I hate to see people with broken hearts; I hate seeing the damages caused by abortions and unplanned pregnancies; I hate seeing the ravages of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Mostly, I just hate seeing people getting played for a fool by their own sex drive, which leaves them broken, shattered, torn, confused, frustrated, and just basically at a loss for what to do next.
In this blogspot, we will be promoting chastity through discussing modest dress, abortion issues, contraceptives, and other such things that relate to the whole of chastity. Remember, human sexuality is intrinsically involved in every aspect of your life, because by your very nature you are either a man or a woman. So a lot will be discussed.
To reach the Sexperts, men and women who will be working with me to provide answers to your questions of chastity, please email us at the.sexperts@yahoo.com or leave a comment below.
Peter
Is it easy to be chaste? Not all the time, no. For example, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty healthy sex drive. There will clearly be temptations, time after time. So what we have decided to do is to limit physical affection to holding hands, hugging, and quick little kisses so that we don't go "too far" and have to "hit the brakes" time after time after time. When I first heard that "the more chaste you are, the easier it is to be chaste," I thought "Jason Evert is off his rocker." How can it be easier to stop doing more than before? How can it be easier to refrain from doing more of the things I want to do?! That didn't make much sense to me. However, I found out the truth behind the wise words from the guru of purity: if you don't do more, you won't do more. Let me explain: when a man deeply kisses a woman, I mean really kisses her with a passion for a long time, there is arousal in both parties, and the chemicals released in the brain cause a strong sexual desire for the other, so that both people want to have sex. Now, if the man and woman hadn't been kissing like that in the first place, the chemicals wouldn't have been released and they wouldn't be faced with as much temptation.
Now, I'm not starting this blog to tell you to "just say no," or not have sex "because I said so." This blog is being started to help you learn, understand, and hold fast to clear-cut, easy-to-understand methods to find a life long, completely satisfying sexual relationship. Because both secular and religious experts agree: the best, most fulfilling sex is the sex that's in a fully committed, completely loving, selfless, long-term monogamous relationship. Take out one of these ingredients and you run the risks of heartache, STDs, breast cancer, unplanned pregnancies, abortion and the psychological trauma that follows, and broken hearts time after time after time. I'm starting this blog not to control anybody, but to help. Because I hate to see people with broken hearts; I hate seeing the damages caused by abortions and unplanned pregnancies; I hate seeing the ravages of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Mostly, I just hate seeing people getting played for a fool by their own sex drive, which leaves them broken, shattered, torn, confused, frustrated, and just basically at a loss for what to do next.
In this blogspot, we will be promoting chastity through discussing modest dress, abortion issues, contraceptives, and other such things that relate to the whole of chastity. Remember, human sexuality is intrinsically involved in every aspect of your life, because by your very nature you are either a man or a woman. So a lot will be discussed.
To reach the Sexperts, men and women who will be working with me to provide answers to your questions of chastity, please email us at the.sexperts@yahoo.com or leave a comment below.
Peter
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