Cleavage turns guys on. It's not our fault; that's just how it is. Pretty much any amount of cleavage, and pretty much in any place. It's not a conscious decision, it's the biological function called "arousal." In a discussion on chastity, a close friend and chastity advocate mentioned that when a man sees cleavage, without even thinking, a certain amount of blood rushes to the penis to fill it for an erection. That's insane. It's true though, and there's really nothing we men can do about it. Sure, there's the "neck up" exercise, where we make it a point to only look at a girl from the neck up, but there are a few defects to that practice: first, some of us (myself included), are only 5'2", forcing us to strain and stretch in order to meet that requirement. Secondly, girls wear colors that catch the eye; jewelry that glistens and demands attention. Of course, then, there are the shirts with clever, catchy phrases across the breasts. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't wear clever shirts, or jewelry, or attractive colors. However, when those good things are combined with an indecent amount of cleavage, that's when you can turn a 'good thing' into negative attention.
Now, I'm a guy. I've heard the infamous "locker room talk" that I'm sure some of you have heard about; a guy goes out with a girl, then brags about what they did to all the guys the next day. Call it a rite of passage, call it what you will--it happens. It begins with "man I took this one girl out last night..." and ends with the rest of the guys saying "what a slut!" Personally, I don't know why any girl would want that. When that happens, though, it can be a reaction to one of two things: either "she dressed like a slut" or "did [insert 'slutty' action here]." Okay, now the cat is out of the bag and you women know how much power you have over us men. I want to pause here to tell you that not all men are like that--I, for instance (and I'm not trying to brag about what a great guy I am; I'm just being honest), have never done that to any girl I've been out with. I have, however, reacted to other peoples' stories with "what a slut," and for that I apologize to every woman who reads this. The point is, a lot of guys aren't that bad and not all of us participate in it. OKAY, so as I was saying, now you know how much power is in your hands on every date. Guys don't call you sluts for no reason--it's usually because of something you did or something you wore.
I won't talk about the "did" right now, because this is an entry on modesty, not abstinence, but rather I'd like to focus on the 'something you wore.' What men think about you--how much they respect you, how much they want to listen to you and get to know you--a good part of that hinges on how you dress. I know a girl who wears skimpy outfits--tight shirts showing a good three inches of cleavage, shorts or skirts that end just below her butt--and then complains about how guys objectify her at every turn!! It seems to me that it would be a no brainer: in this sex-crazed culture in which we live, if you dress like all the girls who "want some," you're going to be treated like another girl who "wants some." If you want, rather, to be respected as an individual; to be thought of as important and classy, then you're going to have to dress differently from every girl who wants to hook up with the cutest guy who buys her a drink!
Honestly, you don't have to "bare all," or even "most," to get a guy's attention. I love my girlfriend very much, and I respect her an equal amount, and a lot of that respect and love was the result of her decision to go 'against the flow,' so to speak, and dress more modestly. Is she attractive? Oh yeah. And you'd better believe that if she wore scandalous clothes and showed a lot more of her body, she would have my undivided attention all of the time. You can also be completely sure that I wouldn't respect her as much. I would desire her body, and I'm sure I'd still like her personality, but I can guarantee that if she dressed like she wanted to have sex all the time, I'd be too distracted by that to ever pay enough attention to let a real love grow between us. Since she dresses modestly, and covers her private parts (breasts, butt, etc..), there are no distractions from her personality, nothing pulling me mentally away from conversation, and not as much temptation to "cross the line," so to speak. We have a very strong relationship, built on not only physical attraction, but emotional, ideological, spiritual, and pretty much every level. Because of this, it has not only seen us through months of separation (we live in different states), but our relationship has, in fact, grown closer, stronger, and more intimate than I ever thought possible from a long distance relationship.
The power was all in Lauren's hands--she could have worn skimpy clothes, she could have gone to clubs and acted the way "slutty" girls do (to use locker room language), but then she wouldn't have known the joy of a chaste relationship...and neither would I.
Ladies, it is in your control. I'm not going to tell you what to wear, and I'm not going to act like I know you or your story. What I'm saying is this: if you dress like all the other girls, how can guys know they're to treat you differently? If you don't dress like you want respect, why should you expect them to know you want it? If you want to be caught in a cycle of one-night stands, inappropriate advances, and an unsatisfactory love life, that's your life and your decision. All I'm asking you is to consider your options: dress like a "slut" and be treated like one, or dress to demand respect and better treatment, and get that. You might have to wait a little longer for a respectful, genuinely nice guy; but I'm pretty sure it would be worth it. Do what's best for you.
~Peter
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Modesty
I remember hearing this term used for the first time and thinking "Oh no. Now i have to dress like an Amish farm girl with a skirt down to my ankles and long sleeves." Luckily, I was mistaken and am currently not dressing like an Amish person. Modesty, as Webster defines it, is the "regard for decency in behavior and dress." Many people, like myself, when they first hear about modesty feel like it is unimportant. "Why should i dress any differently than my friends and every other girl out there? Guys are just going to see it anyways. And if they have a problem with the way I dress, that's their issue to deal with." That whole mindset is completely absurd and selfish. Personally, I used to dress immodestly. I would go out looking for the tightest and most low-cut shirt. Why? Because i LOVED getting the attention. People left and right would tell me I looked skinny and cute. I had boyfriends that would tell me I looked hot, and my self-esteem would just shoot out the roof. Every girl wants to look cute and attractive, but what today's society is telling us, is that to look cute and get guys, we have to put on a mini-skirt, buy name-brand clothes, and show off what we have. But seriously think about it. Those guys that we will get the attention of, are they they guys who will respect us and treat us like the princesses we are? Or are they going to see how we dress, take it as an invitation to use us, and then move on to the next chick in a skimpy outfit? If you don't know the answer, its the latter. I'm not saying that we should completely hide our bodies by wearing tons of layers of clothes, but that we can put on clothes that are in style, and they don't have to be showing inches of cleavage and our butt cracks. Do you want a guy who is going to take one look at you and want to get to know who you really are? Or just want to get in your pants? With dressing modestly, we enable guys to look at us and see that we respect our bodies, which in turn will make them want to respect us as well. After dressing immodestly for a while and hearing of this, I thought it was bogus. Who would ever NOT want attention and praise for looking good? Then I examined myself. I started realizing that the attention I was getting was from guys I knew were only after one thing. I recall a time when I caught one of those guys staring at my chest and walked away not filled with happiness because I caught someones attention, but sadness and a sense of feeling used. I spoke with a guy friend about the situation and he even said "Oh but you know you like the attention."
After that, I noticed that not only that type of guy, but also my close guy friends would not always be looking at my eyes, but would glance downwards. It started to really bug me. For the first time, I felt like an object. I took a step back and thought, "Is wearing tight, skimpy clothes worth the inner pain and sadness each time a guy says I'm hot or checks me out?" I decided not, and started dressing more modestly. At that time I had met an amazing guy, who is now my amazing boyfriend, and asked his opinion on the clothes I wore. I asked him to go through my entire wardrobe and pick out the items of clothing that were immodest. He made a large pile and I promptly threw the stack of clothes away. I wanted the assurance that I could go into my closet and pick out anything and not have to worry about feeling used. I realized that I could still get attention, but in a positive way. After asking my future boyfriend, Peter, to help me out, I saw how he respected me and how glad he was to help me become more modest in dress. It shocked me at first, never having experienced a reaction quite like that from a guy, but it also amazed me. I had always heard stories of women who had found men that respected them and treated them like princesses, but I had never experienced that for myself. Being treated with such dignity floored me. I knew that I was on the right path to becoming more modest and showing that I respected myself and demanded that same respect from everyone around me.
Some of you have probably heard modesty in relation to "leading men into sin". This is where I previously believed that if a guy fell into sin by looking at me, that was his own problem. But think about it. Say you lived in a house and always left the door and windows open. It is basically an invitation to enter and steal whatever is inside. When a guy checks you out, he is taking a piece of your dignity with him. A piece that was basically offered to him based on what you were wearing.
Modesty regarding dress is a huge deal, but also the way you act can be defined as modest or immodest. I was in the club scene for a summer. I never knew how much of an effect my actions made on guys i with whom i would dance. But with modest dress, comes the responsibility to act modest as well. If your actions are saying "I wanna turn you on" then that's exactly what a guy will assume you want to do to him.
Although summer is an amazing season due to the beautiful weather and break from school, it is also a time where modesty is critical and must be taken into consideration. When going shopping for summer clothes really ask yourself if the item of clothing you want to purchase is modest. A little bit of extra fabric to cover your chest or belly won't make you die of heat stroke. Personally, I don't wear short shorts. I've always felt very uncomfortable wearing them, and am soo glad that Bermuda shorts and capris are in. This way, I'm not overdressed for summer weather, but not showing off all of my legs.
In a culture that promotes immodesty and promiscuity, it is our obligation to be counterculture and show the world how to be truly respected and that comes by us respecting ourselves by the way we dress and act. Thank you for your time and keep checking back for more updates!
~Lauren
After that, I noticed that not only that type of guy, but also my close guy friends would not always be looking at my eyes, but would glance downwards. It started to really bug me. For the first time, I felt like an object. I took a step back and thought, "Is wearing tight, skimpy clothes worth the inner pain and sadness each time a guy says I'm hot or checks me out?" I decided not, and started dressing more modestly. At that time I had met an amazing guy, who is now my amazing boyfriend, and asked his opinion on the clothes I wore. I asked him to go through my entire wardrobe and pick out the items of clothing that were immodest. He made a large pile and I promptly threw the stack of clothes away. I wanted the assurance that I could go into my closet and pick out anything and not have to worry about feeling used. I realized that I could still get attention, but in a positive way. After asking my future boyfriend, Peter, to help me out, I saw how he respected me and how glad he was to help me become more modest in dress. It shocked me at first, never having experienced a reaction quite like that from a guy, but it also amazed me. I had always heard stories of women who had found men that respected them and treated them like princesses, but I had never experienced that for myself. Being treated with such dignity floored me. I knew that I was on the right path to becoming more modest and showing that I respected myself and demanded that same respect from everyone around me.
Some of you have probably heard modesty in relation to "leading men into sin". This is where I previously believed that if a guy fell into sin by looking at me, that was his own problem. But think about it. Say you lived in a house and always left the door and windows open. It is basically an invitation to enter and steal whatever is inside. When a guy checks you out, he is taking a piece of your dignity with him. A piece that was basically offered to him based on what you were wearing.
Modesty regarding dress is a huge deal, but also the way you act can be defined as modest or immodest. I was in the club scene for a summer. I never knew how much of an effect my actions made on guys i with whom i would dance. But with modest dress, comes the responsibility to act modest as well. If your actions are saying "I wanna turn you on" then that's exactly what a guy will assume you want to do to him.
Although summer is an amazing season due to the beautiful weather and break from school, it is also a time where modesty is critical and must be taken into consideration. When going shopping for summer clothes really ask yourself if the item of clothing you want to purchase is modest. A little bit of extra fabric to cover your chest or belly won't make you die of heat stroke. Personally, I don't wear short shorts. I've always felt very uncomfortable wearing them, and am soo glad that Bermuda shorts and capris are in. This way, I'm not overdressed for summer weather, but not showing off all of my legs.
In a culture that promotes immodesty and promiscuity, it is our obligation to be counterculture and show the world how to be truly respected and that comes by us respecting ourselves by the way we dress and act. Thank you for your time and keep checking back for more updates!
~Lauren
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I Love Sex.
Seriously. It's one of my favorite things to read about, talk about, learn more about...unfortunately, it seems that chastity is a very misunderstood concept. Most people write it off as another word for "abstinence." Honestly, however, they aren't the same thing--though they are related. "Abstinence," when used in relation to intercourse, means to restrain yourself from having sex; to never have sex or do anything sexual--to constantly "hit the brakes," so to speak, when one is with their prospective partner, just before having intercourse (or even engaging in what is known as "outercourse," or anything remotely sexual). "Chastity," on the other hand, does not rule out sex; in fact, it promotes human sexuality to its fullest. It does involve refraining from explicitly sexual activity, but if the people involved are truly chaste, there is no "hitting the brakes" involved, because they would never put themselves in any position to have to hit them. Think of it like this: while speeding in a car, you would have to "hit the brakes" if you saw something in front of you. It would wear down your tires and breaks, as well as upset the balance in the car, thrusting everybody forward to avoid hitting whatever was before the car. That would be comparable to abstinence. However, if you weren't speeding at all, you could ride comfortably along and reach your destination without choking passengers with their seatbelts or causing unnecessary wear and tear to your vehicle. That's chastity. When you're truly chaste, you're never in danger of "crashing" into sex before you are truly ready, so "hitting the brakes" isn't necessary. Then how do you be chaste and still have sex? Quite simply: when it is in a permanent monogamous relationship between a man and a woman who give themselves completely to the other out of pure love for one another, that is chaste sex, chaste intercourse, chaste sexual activity. Anything outside of that is unchaste, and the people involved run a serious risk of heartache, pain, STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and a plethora of other worries, regrets, and problems. I won't get into all of these now, but will save them for another post later on.
Is it easy to be chaste? Not all the time, no. For example, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty healthy sex drive. There will clearly be temptations, time after time. So what we have decided to do is to limit physical affection to holding hands, hugging, and quick little kisses so that we don't go "too far" and have to "hit the brakes" time after time after time. When I first heard that "the more chaste you are, the easier it is to be chaste," I thought "Jason Evert is off his rocker." How can it be easier to stop doing more than before? How can it be easier to refrain from doing more of the things I want to do?! That didn't make much sense to me. However, I found out the truth behind the wise words from the guru of purity: if you don't do more, you won't do more. Let me explain: when a man deeply kisses a woman, I mean really kisses her with a passion for a long time, there is arousal in both parties, and the chemicals released in the brain cause a strong sexual desire for the other, so that both people want to have sex. Now, if the man and woman hadn't been kissing like that in the first place, the chemicals wouldn't have been released and they wouldn't be faced with as much temptation.
Now, I'm not starting this blog to tell you to "just say no," or not have sex "because I said so." This blog is being started to help you learn, understand, and hold fast to clear-cut, easy-to-understand methods to find a life long, completely satisfying sexual relationship. Because both secular and religious experts agree: the best, most fulfilling sex is the sex that's in a fully committed, completely loving, selfless, long-term monogamous relationship. Take out one of these ingredients and you run the risks of heartache, STDs, breast cancer, unplanned pregnancies, abortion and the psychological trauma that follows, and broken hearts time after time after time. I'm starting this blog not to control anybody, but to help. Because I hate to see people with broken hearts; I hate seeing the damages caused by abortions and unplanned pregnancies; I hate seeing the ravages of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Mostly, I just hate seeing people getting played for a fool by their own sex drive, which leaves them broken, shattered, torn, confused, frustrated, and just basically at a loss for what to do next.
In this blogspot, we will be promoting chastity through discussing modest dress, abortion issues, contraceptives, and other such things that relate to the whole of chastity. Remember, human sexuality is intrinsically involved in every aspect of your life, because by your very nature you are either a man or a woman. So a lot will be discussed.
To reach the Sexperts, men and women who will be working with me to provide answers to your questions of chastity, please email us at the.sexperts@yahoo.com or leave a comment below.
Peter
Is it easy to be chaste? Not all the time, no. For example, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty healthy sex drive. There will clearly be temptations, time after time. So what we have decided to do is to limit physical affection to holding hands, hugging, and quick little kisses so that we don't go "too far" and have to "hit the brakes" time after time after time. When I first heard that "the more chaste you are, the easier it is to be chaste," I thought "Jason Evert is off his rocker." How can it be easier to stop doing more than before? How can it be easier to refrain from doing more of the things I want to do?! That didn't make much sense to me. However, I found out the truth behind the wise words from the guru of purity: if you don't do more, you won't do more. Let me explain: when a man deeply kisses a woman, I mean really kisses her with a passion for a long time, there is arousal in both parties, and the chemicals released in the brain cause a strong sexual desire for the other, so that both people want to have sex. Now, if the man and woman hadn't been kissing like that in the first place, the chemicals wouldn't have been released and they wouldn't be faced with as much temptation.
Now, I'm not starting this blog to tell you to "just say no," or not have sex "because I said so." This blog is being started to help you learn, understand, and hold fast to clear-cut, easy-to-understand methods to find a life long, completely satisfying sexual relationship. Because both secular and religious experts agree: the best, most fulfilling sex is the sex that's in a fully committed, completely loving, selfless, long-term monogamous relationship. Take out one of these ingredients and you run the risks of heartache, STDs, breast cancer, unplanned pregnancies, abortion and the psychological trauma that follows, and broken hearts time after time after time. I'm starting this blog not to control anybody, but to help. Because I hate to see people with broken hearts; I hate seeing the damages caused by abortions and unplanned pregnancies; I hate seeing the ravages of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Mostly, I just hate seeing people getting played for a fool by their own sex drive, which leaves them broken, shattered, torn, confused, frustrated, and just basically at a loss for what to do next.
In this blogspot, we will be promoting chastity through discussing modest dress, abortion issues, contraceptives, and other such things that relate to the whole of chastity. Remember, human sexuality is intrinsically involved in every aspect of your life, because by your very nature you are either a man or a woman. So a lot will be discussed.
To reach the Sexperts, men and women who will be working with me to provide answers to your questions of chastity, please email us at the.sexperts@yahoo.com or leave a comment below.
Peter
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